The Teahouse, Sante Fe, NM
I made a commitment to myself. And while I remain hopeful and true to my word, I am amidst agony — although using a word like agony seems rather dramatic, it does depict the grit of the experience.
Amrit Vela, a sacred and translucent time of day that happens before the sun shines upon Earth and ignites our intentions. My body drags, calling upon and absorbing the momentum that exists within the sacred space. Physically I feel, and mentally lethargy is also present. Awareness.
There was a time when I caught a glimpse of realizing the totality (oneness, non-separation between the individual and universal consciousness) of Sadhana, spiritual practice. Now, I feel caught in between the knowing of this realization and the actual experience, which feels like a chore. I am being chiseled, molded by the one True Artist. I can recognize the pattern, however it’s not one that can be predetermined or applied based upon previous analysis. It is completely dependent upon faith in the unknown. Thus, my goal becomes moving outside my mind, or that which is known.
I have devoted some time recently to acknowledging my inner knowing, different from the mind. It is an intuitive understanding. I vow now to the clarity and confidence I have in my keeping the knowing of my intuition and mind separate. Simply because, the mind is bias, and I say with compassion, it is a mere illusion. My service is to my soul essence led by trust in my intuition.
I am being pushed to the edge and eventually I will jump. I have been here before. The same feelings of anticipation, as alluded to previously, reflect my current reality. In identifying the pattern, now becomes the moment of unpredictability. Visually, it is exciting to use the imagination and foresee what may come; and then awareness stops the power of the mind from indulging. Awareness serves the whole of my being.
What I am being called to is expression. Express what lies within me. The formless, unbound, and unknown truth held in the container of my existence.
When pondering how to serve Guru and what this looks like for me, I was guided to the thought of nature — my personal flow in life. There is no mind, just as the flowers have no thought to grow towards the sun. It happens. And so, there must be a natural way, in complete alignment with my truth/ soul, that makes it possible for me to serve Guru. In this sense I am to respond by being myself, which includes complete authentic expression in all forms.
I am respectful and reverent, kind and understanding, open and compassionate. I have good intentions and a strong will. Let these characteristics serve me not in an egotistical or selfish way. May they be the gifts of Guru, in service to Guru and the cosmic universe.
(Thank you to Dave, the contemporary expressionist artist who encouraged and inspired me.)